"Normal"

I haven't written for a while. I think that's because on many fronts, my life has somewhat returned to "normal." Alhamdulilah, most of the pain has subsided, and I can return to the majority of my old activities without difficulty. Now much of my battle is psychological.

For the most part, alhamdulilah, I have subdued most of the negative thoughts. But every now and then, I will be in the middle of a random situation, and someone will give me one of those scrunched up pity faces while holding my hand and asking me how I'm doooing. Wallahi I know they mean well, and wallahi it's heart-warming that people care so much. I just don't quite know how to get across that alhamdulilah, I am good. And that they shouldn't worry. And that their du'aa is all I need.

I have to push myself to shake off the melancholy feelings when those conversations come up at inopportune times. A short time ago, my mother-in-law felt the brunt of it when someone's questions unleashed a torrent of tears at a wedding. Alhamdulilah, I was able to keep it together while talking to the well-wisher, but then soaked my mother-in-law's jilbab with tears while she hid me away in the security of her shoulder.

I don't get annoyed when people ask questions. Really, I don't. But sometimes the panic or sense of loss in someone's voice triggers panic and a sense of lost within me. Alhamdulilah, I only need a few minutes to regain my composure- to remind myself that the length of my life is not measured by the number of tears shed on my behalf.

A lot of people talk to me about surviving through this, and having the will to live. I just want them to know that our goal is not to live- our goal is to live with meaning. I want them to know that if our goal was to live, none of us would reach that goal. The Quran says, "the Death from which you flee will truly overtake you: then will ye be sent back to the Knower of things secret and open: and He will tell you (the truth of) the things that you did!" [62:08] And coming to terms with the fact that we cannot flee death should, insha'allah, focus our sights on the real eternal life.

On Strike

Yea, that's right, I'm on strike. And if I'm strong enough, I will continue my strike for as long as I can hold out.

I am boycotting complaining.

But allow me this one last indulgence: Complaining sucks! It's like that virus that whirls around your entire family, and then ends up infecting you again. You start with your grumblings about the weather, your work, your unappreciative fill-in-the-blank. And before you know it, you've got everyone around you roused up, pitching in their stories of minor nuisances and modest inconveniences. Which only eggs you on to dig down deep, and produce a complaint that will truly illustrate what a burdensome life you lead. It's become a national pastime...you bond with others by commiserating over things that irritate you. And it takes very little to get us going because we have become an ummah of whiners.

I've allowed myself so much latitude in complaining, I'm often unaware when it slips into sin. I can't count how many times I've complained about others under the guise of "venting"...as if airing out your grievances gives you license to speak ill of others. Islam tells us, "Let whosoever believes in Allah and in the Last Day either speak good or be silent." When I asked my mother after my surgery what's considered complaining, she said even sighing can be counted as a complaint (it certainly doesn't fall into the "speaking good" category).

It will take some effort, but I am committed to curbing my complaints.

Subhan'Allah, Islam teaches us to channel our complaints to the One who actually has the power to effect change. Our religion is beautiful- if you complain to the right One, you actually get ajer for it. And when you do face Allah with your handful of complaints, you realize how ridiculous the things you run your mouth about all day truly are (ya Allah, my browser moves so slow). I hope this strike will free me of the trivialities that entangle my mind, and make me a more grateful servant of Allah.

Feel free to join me on my strike, and let me know how you fare. Or feel free to lay your gossip-free complaints on me- but don't expect me to reciprocate.

Imam Siraj

I was so touched by Imam Siraj Wahhaj's recent message to the American Muslim community, I am posting it here.

Challenges and Opportunities
As Salamu Alaikum, Dear Brothers and Sisters!

It is well known now that I have been suffering from hypertension. Al Hamdulillah, I have been working with it for a while now, and insha'Allah it's pretty much under control. As a result of being thoroughly checked by the competent doctors in Atlanta , I have been recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. Al Hamdulillah, inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun. (All Praise is for Allah. Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.)

My diagnosis is not as bad as it sounds on the surface. Many men have been cured from prostate cancer. My doctors are very optimistic about my cure, and so am I. Insha'Allah the treatment should last about two months. But you and I know that the cure is in the Hands of Allah. If Allah heals me, I will be very grateful. If Allah doesn't heal me, then I will be patient and happily accept my fate. This is the way of the Believers. I am looking forward to full recovery and getting back to work in the not-too-distant future, insha'Allah.

Many people will ask the question, what can we do? Don't waste your time feeling sorry for me. Make du'a. But don't just make du'a for me. There are a lot of Muslims, men and women, with cancer (and other diseases). Make du'a for them also. There are so many among the elderly, who need our help, make du'a for them. There are so many Muslims who have lost their jobs, lost their homes, make du'a for them! Beyond the prayers, go visit the sick, those in prison, and others in need.Get involved more with Islamic work. Support organizations like MANA, ISNA, ICNA, MAS, CAIR, SIFCA, the community in association with Imam Warith Deen Mohammed, the community of Imam Jamil Al Amin, etc. Support good brothers and sisters, like Mauri' Saalakhan of the Peace and Justice Foundation. Support Islamic education and schools. If you want to help Imam Siraj, then help support his Masjid, Masjid At-Taqwa, in Brooklyn, New York and all the other struggling Masjids throughout America.Every challenge we face in life presents us with many opportunities for growth.

With a heightened awareness and sensitivity about health-related issues, I will feel better when we, as an ummah, learn more about our health. We have to be very careful about the foods we consume! I urge all of us to cultivate healthy appetites such that we begin to love and crave foods that are good FOR us and eliminate foods that are not. I intend with Allah's help to share information with you in the coming weeks about our health.

On behalf of MANA, I encourage you to lend your support to our growing Organization. Every MANA project is structured to strengthen American Muslim communities. The SHARE Centers, Healthy Marriage Initiative, Community Reentry Program, and Healing and Reconciliation Project all need input and active service urgently. Please contact the MANA office to find out more and look for regular updates in our newsletters, insha'Allah. In closing, I am humbled and very thankful for all the prayers, and well wishes of the Muslims, and am very appreciative for all the help extended to me and my family in the past. Alhamdulillah! I am also overwhelmed with gratitude that a number of you want to lend financial support, and have asked how you can do that. Online donations can be made here, or feel free to correspond with me directly at Siraj Wahhaj, P.O. Box 312264, Atlanta, GA 31131. Thank you kindly. May Allah guide and protect us all.

Your brother in faith,Imam Siraj Wahhaj

Hijab Swap

When I'm out shopping, and I pick up an item, this thought creeps into my mind. "What am I going to do with this when I'm dead." This thought always tempers whatever excitement I was feeling over the possibility that the item in my hand could be mine, but it also makes me think of all the stuff I have at home. It almost physically weighs me down.

By far, my biggest offense occurred several months before my surgery when I told my husband I was going to Target to buy a few essential items...and that's what I was doing, until I stumbled upon this giant wooden pair in the kitchen aisle. The little shopping monster in me (aka my nafs) ordered me to buy the good-for-nothing giant pair, and I followed the orders obediently. Needless to say, my husband had a ball teasing me about how "essential" giant pears are- I couldn't say anything because, as creative as I can be, I couldn't think of a single use for it.

I think for a long time, I took the habit of needless buying lightly, as if it was just a fun little quirk I had. But slowly, I allowed myself to be consumed with consumption. I was on a mission: I needed to find the perfect throw pillows, then I needed to find the perfect throw, then I needed to find the perfect luggage set. My life became a never-ending shopping list. Just as soon as I attained one "perfect" item, another shot up in it's place. How did I let this happen? How did I allow what I owned to become part of my identity?

“Doomed is the slave of the dinar, doomed is the slave of the dirham, doomed is the slave of fine cloth and doomed is the slave of velvet. If he is given something he is pleased and if he is denied, he is angry. Doomed is he!...” said the prophet (PBUH). I had allowed myself to become a slave. After reality came crashing down on me I saw what little good all my stuff had done for me. I looked upon most of my stuff with disdain, realizing how much time, money and mindshare it had all occupied.

It's so liberating now to go to the store and know that the nice things I see cannot tempt me. I try to make my purchases very deliberately, and when the new spring line at Pottery Barn rears it's pretty little head, I tell myself something Ali ibn ibi Talib (and one of my best friends taught me), "يا دنيا غري غيري " or roughly, "Oh world, go tempt someone else!"

So in an effort to simplify my life, and free myself of some of the "stuff" I felt was weighing me down, my friend and I organized a hijab swap. Most of my friends came to the event with an armload of hijabs, and went home with just two or three that they really liked. The remaining hijabs are going to an organization dedicated to serving abused Muslim women. (The organization was started by a remarkable Muslim woman http://www.wafahouse.org/).

My friend and I also pared down the food at our event, serving only foods that had roots in the Quran or prophetic tradition. We put little cards next to each dish, explaining the food's significance. It was amazing. The food was so simple, yet delicious and filling. I'm posting a few pictures of the event below.

Subhan'Allah, when you shift your focus to your ultimate goals in life, your entire scale of what's valuable changes. I want my good deeds, and not my stuff to speak for who I am.

Boston II

I ran into this girl during one of the breaks in the MAS program at the ISBCC. I started out asking her the usual...where she's from, what she does, etc. She told me she was from Virginia, and she worked in Boston.
"Oh, so you must miss your family," I told her knowingly."
"No, I see them almost every week."
"Really, so you don't have to spend much time up here for work."
"No, I'm here during the week."
"Okay..." She must have seen the confused look on my face.
"I commute ten hours from Virginia to Boston every week."
"Ten hours! That must be so hard!"
"Hamdellah."
"I mean, I can barely tolerate commuting an hour for my work!"
"Hamdellah, it's okay."
"But don't you get bored?"
"Hamdellah."
"Sleepy?"
"Hamdellah."
"Lonely?"
"Hamdellah."
What was wrong with this girl? I'm here lathering on my empathetic consolations, and she won't even concede any genuine grumbles or join me in commiserating. What gives?
"Okay, do you want me to tell you?" she said.
I said yes. And she began to tell me how one day last summer she was crossing the street, and she was hit by a van. She told me that she was hospitalized, with a coma. And when she woke up she was unable to move any part of her body. She said her jaw was so swollen, she couldn't even move her tongue. And because the doctors wanted the swelling in her eye to go down, they taped one of them open. Imagine trying to sleep with your eye taped open. She told me how no one thought she would walk again, and how she couldn't feel the tips of her fingers or toes. And now she was sitting in front of me, talking and moving around as if nothing ever happened.
"So I have no reason to complain, alhamdulilah," she said, "Every time I blink I remember how much Allah has blessed me."
I was so inspired by what this girl had said. I realized how easily complaints would leak from my mouth. I still haven't fully realized all the lessons my own trial was meant to teach. I feel that Allah (SWT) put this girl in my path as a gentle reminder- not only of how much I have to be grateful for, but also of how little I have to complain about. Alhamdulilah.

Boston

My husband and I went to Boston this weekend. He was invited to speak at a MAS event held at the city's new mammoth masjid, the Islamic Society of Boston Cultural Center. Two gracious Bostonians hosted us at their home for the weekend.

Before my surgery and diagnosis, I would have never accepted an offer to stay at someone I barely knew's home. There's no good reason why I wouldn't. I just never wanted to run the risk of being uncomfortable, or chance an awkward situation...

And something odd did happened while we were there. For the first time, I woke up in the morning and did not think of my disease.

After hearing my diagnosis, it seemed impossible each morning to wake up without thinking of it. I remember about a month ago, I would actually wake up mentally repeating the words, "malignant melanoma" over and over, as if I was doing tasbeeh. There were also some days I would rise unbothered, and then the recollection of my diagnosis would hit me, and it would feel like someone lobbed an anvil at my stomach.

I came to think of processing all the negative thoughts in the mornings as work. It would vary though. Sometimes I would wake up and feel like there was a huge stack of paperwork I had to work through...
"I am going to die... But everyone's going to die"
"The doctor said this is a 'devastating disease...' But Allah's will is greater than what any doctors says."
"What if it's overtaking my body right now?... Then try to accomplish what you can today."

And some mornings the thoughts were far less intrusive, like a small post-it note to be looked at briefly, then disregarded. But there was never a time when I woke up and the thought of my disease was entirely absent- until Boston.

Not that I didn't think of it all weekend. The organizers of the event broke the attendees up into groups at the start of the weekend, and then held small get-to-know each other sessions. Each time it was my turn to talk, I would hold my disease at the tip of my tongue, unsure if it was okay to unload such a hefty, personal factoid on unassuming event-goers. In the end, I just couldn't do it. I didn't want the lovely girls I was slowly befriending to suddenly start treating me with gratuitous sympathy.

25 Things About Me

I was tagged far too many times to avoid doing this. I'm just going to post it here because I couldn't choose just 25 people to tag.


1. My mother is the wisest person I know. I feel flattered when my husband calls me mini-Fadiah. \

2. I used to be able to do a headstand for as long as anyone was willing to watch. My mom used to have me do headstands for my younger sister Jude, while my mom force-fed her.

3. My favorite number is 3.

4. I am a terrible speller. Actually, up until 5th grade, I was a pretty terrible reader too. Oddly enough, I seem to excel at grammar.

5. As a child, my life goal was to a) be Alaa El-Buri, b) own all of Alaa El-Buri's possessions, or c) have blue eyes.

6. I often think I don't deserve my husband.

7. I have an unhealthy obsession with interior decorating. I went almost two years without curtains in my living room because I was holding out for curtains I really loved.

8. I hate it when people don't hustle. One of the most difficult things for me after my surgery was not being able to walk fast. Also, it is exceedingly bothersome when cars leave giant gaps during my commute, and allow other cars to sneak in front. I sometimes keep a mental count of how many cars behind I am during my commute because of gaps. Move people! That being said, I eat reeeaally slooow.

9. I don't enjoy talking on the phone, and I'm terrible at keeping in touch.

10. I feel like Allah (SWT) blessed me with the best of everything in life: the best mother, the best in-laws, the best friends, the best community, the best education, etc.

11. I can be extremely critical.

12. I once swallowed a giant bead in elementary school after a kid on the bus promised me $5. He never paid me.

13. I used to be the biggest procrastinator until I got married. Now I stay on top of everything.

14. I love to entertain, especially setting the table. Sometimes when I'm having a dinner party, I will first think of which plates I want to use, and then invite people based on how many plates I have in that set. It's sad, I know.

15. It took getting a deadly disease for me to finally be content with my body.

16. I know how to drive stick, but I do not know how to parallel park. Seriously, the woman who administered my driving test gave me step-by-step instructions..."Turn your wheel all the way to the left. Okay, now start reversing." I pray to God I don't have to retake the driving exam to get my New Jersey license.

17. My favorite ayah is, "Verily in the remembrance of God do hearts find rest!" (13:28)

18. I hate gum. I think it should be banned.

19. I love people intensely.

20. I used to be the pickiest eater in my family. When visiting Saudia I survived on a strict diet of mangoes and yogurt. But now I'm the most adventurous eater in the family.

21. I love Arabic names. I like finding out what they mean, and pretending to hoard them for my future kids.

22. I choose which grocery store to shop at based on its lighting. Fruits just look so much more delectable under the right light.

23. These past few months I've felt like a president leaving office, trying to figure out my lasting legacy.

24. I love pumpkin everything...especially pumpkin cheesecake.

25. I believe intentions are the most important thing in life. I fear I will fall into this group of people described in Surat Al-Kahf, "Say, 'shall I tell you. Whose actions are worst? Those whose struggles were lost in the life of the world, and they imagine that they are doing good work."