Lean on Allah

Yesterday I went through kind of a rough day dealing with some non-health related issues. I kept turning to different people during the day, asking for advice, looking for support, and hoping for a way out. And then Allah (SWT) sent me a beautiful gift, in the form of my husband, who sent me this hadith in an email:

"Remember Allah and He will remember you. Remember Allah and you will find Him on your side. If you lean on anything, lean on Allah. And know that if all the world came together to benefit you in something, they can only benefit you in something Allah has ordained for you. And if all the world came together to harm you in some way, they can only harm you in a way Allah has written for you….the pen has been raised and the pages have dried."

It reminded me that I should look to Allah (SWT) for solace. He is the only One who has the keys to my end, and to every door that needs opening along the way.

It is so apt that the root word for human in Arabic (ensan) comes from the word forgetfulness (nisyaan). Because one day later, I sat listening on the phone- I would have been pulling my hair out if it weren't for my hijab- waiting for results from my catscan.

I was able to hold off calling my doctor for the entirety one day. But today, I was just itching to see if Sloan Kettering had the results. And they did. But the nurse told me she couldn't give me the results because she didn't know how to interpret them. This sent the tiny speckles of worry in my throat that had been making my voice creak, into a giant lump that plunged to the pit of my stomach. What did she mean she couldn't interpret it? What was there that was so unusual for her to interpret? Didn't she tell me it was all clear last time? Why does the doctor have to explain the results to me this time?

I called my husband, and between tears, told him what the nurse said. He reminded me of the hadith, and told me to put my trust in Allah. One of my co-workers also told me not to look too much into what the nurse said. My co-worker's mother had been through two bouts of breast cancer, and she told me she'd experienced the angst of waiting for results. She told me that worrying while waiting for results causes unnecessary misery.

Allah has the keys to my end- not the doctors, not the nurses, not the tests.

So now I am just waiting to hear from my doctor. And telling myself that everything from Allah (SWT) is good.

A Decision

Alhamdulilah, with some guidance from praying istikhara, and some insight from a good friend, I decided not to participate in Sloan Kettering's vaccination trial. I feel relieved that the decision has been made.

Last week, my mind was in a very different place. I felt equally torn between saying yes and no. I had solicited advice from just about every doctor I know, but didn't receive a resounding yes or no from anyone. If anything, I got a lukewarm, "Maybe you could try it."

I felt like everyone was just throwing their opinion into a hat. And I wasn't equipped to make the final selection.


But Allah (SWT) put a very good friend who happens to be a medical professional in my path. She offered brief, but solid insight. She told me that the trial is very experimental and may not be safe. The hospital had set a Friday deadline for me to tell them my decision. My friend's advice arrived just in time, and Allah (SWT) implanted in my heart a firm sense that I should decline participation in the trial.

Alhamdililah, my friend was able to explain her conclusion to me in greater detail after I gave the hospital my answer. She told me that the experiment at this stage was actually a safety trial meant to test whether the vaccination is even safe for human use. After being tested on mice, I would have been among the first batch of humans to undergo this treatment. The trial's goal was to measure the toxicity of the vaccination on the human body.

My friend also pointed out that couched in the medical mumbo jumbo of the consent form, was a line that said researchers had absolutely no evidence to suggest the vaccination would help my condition in any way.

And the vaccination's possible side-effects, although rare, were not very appealing to say the least. They included the risk of becoming albino or blind- and the injections could even trigger cancer.

Although I have been very happy and comfortable with my oncologist thus far, I must say, I felt a little abandoned. I had relied on him to bring clarity to my situation. And while he fully disclosed all aspects of the trial, I wish he had help make more sense of exactly what it all entailed. Not all of the information about the trial carried equal weight...I would want my doctor to highlight/underline/circle three times the aspects that warrant deeper consideration.

My friend also reminded me that while Sloan Kettering is one of the leading cancer institutions in the country, it is also heavily focused on research. So my doctor's priorities could be split between looking out for me, and moving his research along.

I am so grateful Allahh (SWT) led little, poorly-informed me to the right decision. And that He put this wonderful friend in my path to guide me to what was best. Ultimately, I think the experience has redoubled my appreciation of the tools Islam equips us with: shura, istikhara, and tawakkul. Alhamdulilah.

Imam Siraj

I posted a letter from Imam Siraj about his prostate cancer earlier. Now MANA has organized a fundraiser to help cover his medical bills.

Subhan'Allah, I know how all the tests and treatments can quickly compound into thousands of dollars in bills- and I can't imagine trying to cover all the expenses without insurance.

I hope we can all contribute to help one of Allah's tireless servants.

Experimental Vaccine

Alhamdulilah, we received a call from my oncologist saying I am eligible for the experimental trial Memorial Sloan Kettering is conducting...now if we can only make a decision... I pray Allah (SWT) guides me to what's best insha'allah.

My Sisters

Last week my sister visited from Missouri- let me rephrase that, last week my sister came to New Jersey to see her fiance, and I got to see her a little :)

It's okay, I remember how it was to be engaged... I actually think she spent a lot more time with me than I would have when I was engaged. But alhamdulilah, we got to spend most of the day together on Friday, and we accomplished a lot. We ate at Josie's, my favorite organic restaurant, prayed at the 96th Street masjid, got lost on the subway and ended up in Queens, and most importantly, we found her a wedding dress...okay, so long as we're being honest, I found the wedding dress, then gently pressured her into buying it.

Spending time with my sister reminded me of a thought I had after my surgery. It has to do with this ayah from Surat Ibrahim, "And if you were to count the blessings of Allah, you will never be able to count them." [14: 34] I felt that it was a blessing that Allah (SWT) chose me to go through this trial, and not one of my sisters.

My oldest sister has young kids, and lives abroad, and I couldn't imagine how difficult it would be for her to manage.
My other older sister also has a young child, and recently moved to a developing country...I don't know if the doctors in the country she lives in are even equipped to provide cancer treatment.
My younger sister is engaged, and still has a year of school ahead of her. She's at such a pivotal juncture in her life, a hurdle like this could be crushing.
And my youngest sister is...well...young, and it's such a big burden for such a young person.

It is a blessing that Allah (SWT) chose to test the sister who, alhamdulilah, has a supportive husband, and no big responsibilities, and accessible resources.

That was my thought after my surgery. Now I think that I'm going through this trial instead of one of my sisters is a blessing not for their sake, but for mine; I love my sisters so much, it may have been much more difficult for me to handle if this trial had fallen on one of them.

Oncologist Appointment

One of my family members reminded me to update everyone...I had an appointment on Monday with my oncologist...I actually wrote most of my previous blog post while waiting to be admitted into his office.

Alhamdulilah, it was pretty routine. The one new development was my oncologist said there's an opening in an experimental trial Sloan Kettering is running on patients diagnosed with melanoma, but who don't have any visible tumors after surgery. From what I understood, the vaccine is supposed to boost the immune system to help it fight cancerous cells. It is administered through electric shocks (sounds like fun), and they haven't observed any big side-effects except that patients' arms fly up uncontrollably when the shock is administered.

The researchers are administering the experiment on patients with a particular blood and tissue type, so I had some blood drawn to see if I would even be eligible for the vaccine. Insha'allah it will take about 3 to 4 weeks to see the results, and determine if I qualify for the trial. I'm kind of mentally holding off of making a decision about participating until I see if I'm eligible.

The doctor said there are about 15-20 people participating in the trial right now. From what I understood, the trial would consist of lengthy doctor's visits every 3 weeks. The thing is, the doctors won't be able to measure any results from the experiment until about a year later.

I'm not sure how I feel about taking part in the experiment. When the doctor first explained it, my gut reaction was to say no to anything unnatural...and the electric shocks sounded as far from natural as possible. But another part of me thinks I need to do everything that is scientifically possible to help rid me of this disease.

Insha'allah I have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow, I'll update you guys if anything interesting happens there :)

"Normal" Part II

"And when trouble touches man, he calls Us lying down and sitting down and standing up: then when We remove his ' trouble, he passes on as if he never called Us at the time of any trouble touching him Thus it has been made fair seeming to the extravagants their deeds. [Surat Yunus, Ayah 12]. This ayah stopped me in my tracks while I was reading Quran a few nights ago.

I remember returning home from the doctor's after hearing my diagnosis. And I remember praying, and making what felt like the first real sujood in my life. I felt so embarrassed, thinking, "Ya Allah, I'm so sorry it took me hearing this terrible news to turn to You. I haven't given You the time You deserve for long. And now, realizing I've never had a Protector except You, I am calling upon You."

The shock of my diagnosis gave me a jolt of iman. I couldn't fathom not praying all the sunnan, or giving up my money and my things. I wanted the TV off. I wanted all talk around me to be meaningful. I wanted to make istighfar with every breath. I was the literal embodiment of the first part of this ayah, calling upon Allah lying down, sitting down, and standing up.

I now I fear embodying the latter part of the ayah. So much of my life has gone back to "normal," it's hard to keep up the things to which I thought I had made an eternal commitment. Praying all the sunnan is a struggle. Spending some time in thikr after each prayer is a struggle. Choosing to listen to a dars instead of turning on my favorite show is a struggle.

I remember thinking in my "diagnosis days," "How can I not constantly lift my hands up in prayer to Allah when I am constantly in need of Him?" I wanted my voice to be one of the common ones in the Heavens, familiar to the angels. I couldn't imagine ever forgetting how desperately I wanted to do everything I could to get closer to Allah (SWT).

Now that most of the shock of my diagnosis has subsided, I have to constantly remind myself of the portion of the ayah that says, "when We remove his ' trouble, he passes on as if he never called Us at the time of any trouble touching him..." It is not a triumph to return to, and remember Allah (SWT) when we are facing trouble. That is a natural reaction that any person who knows his end will experience. The triumph is in constantly turning to Allah (SWT), and remembering Him both when we are in trouble, and when we forget that we are never safe.

Alhamdulilah, my husband has been instrumental in reminding me of my "eternal commitments." I'm also trying to keep company with those who are committed to leading meaningful lives...who don't think making du'aa at the end of a get together is cheesy, and who won't think I'm trying to be a goody-two-shoes for suggesting worship instead of entertainment, and who will call me out when I'm wrong.

Living up to the person I promised Allah I would become is a struggle. But I figure I can set myself up for success by making struggle my new normal.