"And when trouble touches man, he calls Us lying down and sitting down and standing up: then when We remove his ' trouble, he passes on as if he never called Us at the time of any trouble touching him Thus it has been made fair seeming to the extravagants their deeds. [Surat Yunus, Ayah 12]. This ayah stopped me in my tracks while I was reading Quran a few nights ago.
I remember returning home from the doctor's after hearing my diagnosis. And I remember praying, and making what felt like the first real sujood in my life. I felt so embarrassed, thinking, "Ya Allah, I'm so sorry it took me hearing this terrible news to turn to You. I haven't given You the time You deserve for long. And now, realizing I've never had a Protector except You, I am calling upon You."
The shock of my diagnosis gave me a jolt of iman. I couldn't fathom not praying all the sunnan, or giving up my money and my things. I wanted the TV off. I wanted all talk around me to be meaningful. I wanted to make istighfar with every breath. I was the literal embodiment of the first part of this ayah, calling upon Allah lying down, sitting down, and standing up.
I now I fear embodying the latter part of the ayah. So much of my life has gone back to "normal," it's hard to keep up the things to which I thought I had made an eternal commitment. Praying all the sunnan is a struggle. Spending some time in thikr after each prayer is a struggle. Choosing to listen to a dars instead of turning on my favorite show is a struggle.
I remember thinking in my "diagnosis days," "How can I not constantly lift my hands up in prayer to Allah when I am constantly in need of Him?" I wanted my voice to be one of the common ones in the Heavens, familiar to the angels. I couldn't imagine ever forgetting how desperately I wanted to do everything I could to get closer to Allah (SWT).
Now that most of the shock of my diagnosis has subsided, I have to constantly remind myself of the portion of the ayah that says, "when We remove his ' trouble, he passes on as if he never called Us at the time of any trouble touching him..." It is not a triumph to return to, and remember Allah (SWT) when we are facing trouble. That is a natural reaction that any person who knows his end will experience. The triumph is in constantly turning to Allah (SWT), and remembering Him both when we are in trouble, and when we forget that we are never safe.
Alhamdulilah, my husband has been instrumental in reminding me of my "eternal commitments." I'm also trying to keep company with those who are committed to leading meaningful lives...who don't think making du'aa at the end of a get together is cheesy, and who won't think I'm trying to be a goody-two-shoes for suggesting worship instead of entertainment, and who will call me out when I'm wrong.
Living up to the person I promised Allah I would become is a struggle. But I figure I can set myself up for success by making struggle my new normal.
6 years ago
Salaam :) It is very humbling and inspiring to read what you wrote. I'm sure to you it's a very personal struggle but you always manage to write in a way that makes me look at myself and see the very same struggles, subhanAllah. I completely agree with your point, especially that we are human and when not in distress we have a tendency to forget the urgency of worship in our lives, and how inadequate our worship really is. A little part of me also wants to add that there is some sense in knowing our limits - and this reminds me of ahadith of the Prophet (saw) that talk about doing even small deeds but doing them regularly. E.g.'s:
ReplyDeleteNarrated ‘Aisha:
Once the Prophet came while a woman was sitting with me. He said, “Who is she?” I replied, “She is so and so,” and told him about her (excessive) praying. He said disapprovingly, “Do (good) deeds which is within your capacity (without being overtaxed) as Allah does not get tired (of giving rewards) but (surely) you will get tired and the best deed (act of Worship) in the sight of Allah is that which is done regularly.
http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/002
and
A’isha, the wife of Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him), reported that Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) used to say: Observe moderation (in doing deeds), and if you fail to observe it perfectly, try to do as much as you can do (to live up to this ideal of moderation) and be happy for none would be able to get into Paradise because of his deeds alone. They (the Companions of the Holy Prophet) said: Allah’s Messenger, not even thou? Thereupon he said: Not even I, but that Allah wraps me in His Mercy, and bear this in mind that the deed loved most by Allah is one which is done constantly even though it is insignificant.
http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/muslim/039.smt.html#039.6770
I'm not at all trying to say that you shouldn't push yourself to remember what you have committed yourself to and what you really believe you owe Allah - I hope I'm one of those people that supports you in doing that :) But this to me is another sign that Allah swt understands us so much better than we understand ourselves, even though He may give us clarity in fleeting moments. I pray that you always have clarity of purpose, inshaAllah :)
Thanks for your insight Samshi, both ahadith are very good reminders...I would argue that none of us is in danger of that excessive worship described in the hadith...I feel most of our pendulums are far off in the other direction. My fear is that many of us use these ahadith as an excuse to not commit to more worship...and also to separate worship from our other daily activities. But I think you're right Samshi, our biggest struggle is consistency. And don't worry, every member of the Samshi crew has been hugely supportive :)
ReplyDelete'who don't think making du'aa at the end of a get together is cheesy'...
ReplyDeleteinshAllah you can be of those who develop a new/(really old school)culture amongst the 2nd generation that remembrance of Allah isnt corny the way it seems to be percieved nowadays...
Great post :)
JAK Rehab for knocking some perspective in my day-to-day doings. Always look forward to your posts.
ReplyDeleteRehab, I think it's important to keep in mind that everyone has Iman highs and lows. Everyone. One day one of the companions, Handhala came to Abu Bakr and said "Handhala is a hypocrite" and when he asked why, he said that when he was in the presence of the Prophet (pbuh) and hearing his words, his heart was consumed with faith but when back in his home with his family, he was consumed by them. Abu Bakr felt the same way so they took the matter to the prophet (pbuh) and he told them that there was almost no way they could keep their Iman constant between here and there.
ReplyDeleteBut I think it's also very important to remember that faith can be strengthened through consistency in performing the sunnan and nawafel...wallahu alam...
Amoona, I think you're absolutely right...hence, the idea that you cannot fail so long as you are continually struggling to do what's best.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a blessing that Allah (SWT), the one who created us, and knows our forgetful nature, is the One who will judge us.
I am not sure If I have understood whats been written above 100% yet I am sure that Rehab has a strong Faith, Eman, and lean on Allah on everything. (el7amdellah).
ReplyDeleteI was shocked when I read your words and tears started along with my sadness.I am sure that re7ab knows who I am ; thats why I ask you to ( et6amneena 3laich)...Allah ye7fa'9ch enshallah.Waiting for your update.