I haven't written for a while. I think that's because on many fronts, my life has somewhat returned to "normal." Alhamdulilah, most of the pain has subsided, and I can return to the majority of my old activities without difficulty. Now much of my battle is psychological.
For the most part, alhamdulilah, I have subdued most of the negative thoughts. But every now and then, I will be in the middle of a random situation, and someone will give me one of those scrunched up pity faces while holding my hand and asking me how I'm doooing. Wallahi I know they mean well, and wallahi it's heart-warming that people care so much. I just don't quite know how to get across that alhamdulilah, I am good. And that they shouldn't worry. And that their du'aa is all I need.
I have to push myself to shake off the melancholy feelings when those conversations come up at inopportune times. A short time ago, my mother-in-law felt the brunt of it when someone's questions unleashed a torrent of tears at a wedding. Alhamdulilah, I was able to keep it together while talking to the well-wisher, but then soaked my mother-in-law's jilbab with tears while she hid me away in the security of her shoulder.
I don't get annoyed when people ask questions. Really, I don't. But sometimes the panic or sense of loss in someone's voice triggers panic and a sense of lost within me. Alhamdulilah, I only need a few minutes to regain my composure- to remind myself that the length of my life is not measured by the number of tears shed on my behalf.
A lot of people talk to me about surviving through this, and having the will to live. I just want them to know that our goal is not to live- our goal is to live with meaning. I want them to know that if our goal was to live, none of us would reach that goal. The Quran says, "the Death from which you flee will truly overtake you: then will ye be sent back to the Knower of things secret and open: and He will tell you (the truth of) the things that you did!" [62:08] And coming to terms with the fact that we cannot flee death should, insha'allah, focus our sights on the real eternal life.
6 years ago
Jazak Allahe Khayran for the reminder Rehab.
ReplyDeleteyou know what was so ironic, that i was just speaking to my brother about how suddenly everyone has been so focused on this life and how to get the most out of it. trying so hard to accomplish one thing in order to achieve another. we get so caught up in this cycle that we forget that we don't live in this world for this dunya filled life style of wanting and needing things,we do it for the next life. to succeed in the test Allah swt puts us through. we should always be ambitious and have high goals but don't think that this world is "the end of the world" like they say.
ReplyDeleteand like you said rehab "living with meaning". Allah only knows what will happen tomorrow, who will be here and who won't. it's not about the amount of time we spend here, it's how we spend it. that is what we will be asked, and it's a great burden we all carry to make sure we do it right. we are all equal in that sense regardless of what happens in our lives. Allah swt put one Quran and one judgment day for all of us. He is Al3adl The Fair one. So i guess we should all be getting sympathy for each other BUT WE DON'T!
AND HEY...REHAB WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING ON STRIKE FROM COMPLAINING! That's one point lost from you! i've been trying really hard!
keep in mind we all lose and gain in different ways no one person is better than another! if i could recall there is a hadith, and i'm going to have to write this in my arabic english letters." la fadl el3arabey wa 2a3jamey ela beltakwa" meaning it's only our Takwa ( fear of Allah) that differentiates us from each other....
I love that you mentioned living life with meaning.
ReplyDeleteSo many times its incredibly easy to forget that, when your living life day to day.
SubhanAllah.
thanks for the reminder habibti
-Dominique
JAK for the post... How do you find what that 'meaning' is? A brother recently approached me with the complaint that 'nothing in this dunya is worth doing or worth it' and I found myself agreeing with him. he difference was that i was kind of relieved with that understanding, and he was pretty upset :(
ReplyDeleteI dunno, anybody got an answer? id appreciate some advice i can forward on to him.
Jazakum Allahu Khairan for the post Rehab. People tend to measure life by its quantity and not by its quality and meaning. And I think it is very important that we live a meaningful life
ReplyDeleterehab this is one of my favorite posts
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments guys, I really love hearing what each of you has to add. Sumaya, maybe I should have better defined what I meant by complaining so you don't dock me points :) I think complaining comes down to your intention. Usually, complaining is just a mindless airing of grievances...but when done to 1) teach a lesson 2)bring your friends/family closer to you by sharing your thoughts and feelings 3)seek advice to fix a problem...I think "purposeful complaining" is warranted, wallahu a3lam :)
ReplyDeleteAhmad, I think living with meaning has a lot to do with the idea of intentions too. I think it means endowing every action in your life with an intention, so that each action is a deliberate decision, and not a haphazard, mindless occurrence.
Meera, you are one of my favorite people :)
My cousin in Egypt lost her 19-year old son in a car accident two days ago. He was hit by another car, with no fault on his part. His mom is in shock, hid dad is in denial, his grandparents in disbelief and his aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. in grief. His mom keeps looking at pictures of him, as if he may come back if she looks hard enough.
ReplyDeleteI officially met you only after this ordeal you're handling became publicly known, but from the moment I saw you I never pitied you subhanAllah. I could only think, mashaAllah, this girl exudes light so much so that nothing can put it out. That is a blessing from above, and one cannot pity blessings:)
We are all tested, but how we prepare ourselves is what determines how any of us receive any test. If I punch Mike Tyson, it's not the same as if I punch a baby. Same person doing the punching, same force, but different receivers. Mike Tyson has trained himself so much more that he may not even sense my punch, the baby may need to go straight to the ER.
The point of my story ya Rehab ya aziza, is that if people ever have panic or sense of loss when they greet you...you should remember to make duaa for them because it's one of two situations, either they're still training to receive their tests, or they assumed that you are not.
I love you for His sake and can't wait to see you soon.
Thank you so much for that post Nancy. I pray Allah (SWT) shows your cousin's son the full extent of his mercy, and that he wipes away all his sins, and elevates him to the highest levels of paradise.
ReplyDeleteI also pray that Allah (SWT) lifts the spirits of those who loved your cousin's nephew, and that he makes this trial a source of strength for them.
Lastly, I want to ask everyone who reads this blog to make a small sadaqa on his behalf. Insha'allah these sadaqat will descend to his grave like gifts of nur. Nancy, if there's a particular charity, or person you think would benefit most from the sadaqa, please let us know.