Oncologist Appointment

One of my family members reminded me to update everyone...I had an appointment on Monday with my oncologist...I actually wrote most of my previous blog post while waiting to be admitted into his office.

Alhamdulilah, it was pretty routine. The one new development was my oncologist said there's an opening in an experimental trial Sloan Kettering is running on patients diagnosed with melanoma, but who don't have any visible tumors after surgery. From what I understood, the vaccine is supposed to boost the immune system to help it fight cancerous cells. It is administered through electric shocks (sounds like fun), and they haven't observed any big side-effects except that patients' arms fly up uncontrollably when the shock is administered.

The researchers are administering the experiment on patients with a particular blood and tissue type, so I had some blood drawn to see if I would even be eligible for the vaccine. Insha'allah it will take about 3 to 4 weeks to see the results, and determine if I qualify for the trial. I'm kind of mentally holding off of making a decision about participating until I see if I'm eligible.

The doctor said there are about 15-20 people participating in the trial right now. From what I understood, the trial would consist of lengthy doctor's visits every 3 weeks. The thing is, the doctors won't be able to measure any results from the experiment until about a year later.

I'm not sure how I feel about taking part in the experiment. When the doctor first explained it, my gut reaction was to say no to anything unnatural...and the electric shocks sounded as far from natural as possible. But another part of me thinks I need to do everything that is scientifically possible to help rid me of this disease.

Insha'allah I have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow, I'll update you guys if anything interesting happens there :)

"Normal" Part II

"And when trouble touches man, he calls Us lying down and sitting down and standing up: then when We remove his ' trouble, he passes on as if he never called Us at the time of any trouble touching him Thus it has been made fair seeming to the extravagants their deeds. [Surat Yunus, Ayah 12]. This ayah stopped me in my tracks while I was reading Quran a few nights ago.

I remember returning home from the doctor's after hearing my diagnosis. And I remember praying, and making what felt like the first real sujood in my life. I felt so embarrassed, thinking, "Ya Allah, I'm so sorry it took me hearing this terrible news to turn to You. I haven't given You the time You deserve for long. And now, realizing I've never had a Protector except You, I am calling upon You."

The shock of my diagnosis gave me a jolt of iman. I couldn't fathom not praying all the sunnan, or giving up my money and my things. I wanted the TV off. I wanted all talk around me to be meaningful. I wanted to make istighfar with every breath. I was the literal embodiment of the first part of this ayah, calling upon Allah lying down, sitting down, and standing up.

I now I fear embodying the latter part of the ayah. So much of my life has gone back to "normal," it's hard to keep up the things to which I thought I had made an eternal commitment. Praying all the sunnan is a struggle. Spending some time in thikr after each prayer is a struggle. Choosing to listen to a dars instead of turning on my favorite show is a struggle.

I remember thinking in my "diagnosis days," "How can I not constantly lift my hands up in prayer to Allah when I am constantly in need of Him?" I wanted my voice to be one of the common ones in the Heavens, familiar to the angels. I couldn't imagine ever forgetting how desperately I wanted to do everything I could to get closer to Allah (SWT).

Now that most of the shock of my diagnosis has subsided, I have to constantly remind myself of the portion of the ayah that says, "when We remove his ' trouble, he passes on as if he never called Us at the time of any trouble touching him..." It is not a triumph to return to, and remember Allah (SWT) when we are facing trouble. That is a natural reaction that any person who knows his end will experience. The triumph is in constantly turning to Allah (SWT), and remembering Him both when we are in trouble, and when we forget that we are never safe.

Alhamdulilah, my husband has been instrumental in reminding me of my "eternal commitments." I'm also trying to keep company with those who are committed to leading meaningful lives...who don't think making du'aa at the end of a get together is cheesy, and who won't think I'm trying to be a goody-two-shoes for suggesting worship instead of entertainment, and who will call me out when I'm wrong.

Living up to the person I promised Allah I would become is a struggle. But I figure I can set myself up for success by making struggle my new normal.

"Normal"

I haven't written for a while. I think that's because on many fronts, my life has somewhat returned to "normal." Alhamdulilah, most of the pain has subsided, and I can return to the majority of my old activities without difficulty. Now much of my battle is psychological.

For the most part, alhamdulilah, I have subdued most of the negative thoughts. But every now and then, I will be in the middle of a random situation, and someone will give me one of those scrunched up pity faces while holding my hand and asking me how I'm doooing. Wallahi I know they mean well, and wallahi it's heart-warming that people care so much. I just don't quite know how to get across that alhamdulilah, I am good. And that they shouldn't worry. And that their du'aa is all I need.

I have to push myself to shake off the melancholy feelings when those conversations come up at inopportune times. A short time ago, my mother-in-law felt the brunt of it when someone's questions unleashed a torrent of tears at a wedding. Alhamdulilah, I was able to keep it together while talking to the well-wisher, but then soaked my mother-in-law's jilbab with tears while she hid me away in the security of her shoulder.

I don't get annoyed when people ask questions. Really, I don't. But sometimes the panic or sense of loss in someone's voice triggers panic and a sense of lost within me. Alhamdulilah, I only need a few minutes to regain my composure- to remind myself that the length of my life is not measured by the number of tears shed on my behalf.

A lot of people talk to me about surviving through this, and having the will to live. I just want them to know that our goal is not to live- our goal is to live with meaning. I want them to know that if our goal was to live, none of us would reach that goal. The Quran says, "the Death from which you flee will truly overtake you: then will ye be sent back to the Knower of things secret and open: and He will tell you (the truth of) the things that you did!" [62:08] And coming to terms with the fact that we cannot flee death should, insha'allah, focus our sights on the real eternal life.

On Strike

Yea, that's right, I'm on strike. And if I'm strong enough, I will continue my strike for as long as I can hold out.

I am boycotting complaining.

But allow me this one last indulgence: Complaining sucks! It's like that virus that whirls around your entire family, and then ends up infecting you again. You start with your grumblings about the weather, your work, your unappreciative fill-in-the-blank. And before you know it, you've got everyone around you roused up, pitching in their stories of minor nuisances and modest inconveniences. Which only eggs you on to dig down deep, and produce a complaint that will truly illustrate what a burdensome life you lead. It's become a national pastime...you bond with others by commiserating over things that irritate you. And it takes very little to get us going because we have become an ummah of whiners.

I've allowed myself so much latitude in complaining, I'm often unaware when it slips into sin. I can't count how many times I've complained about others under the guise of "venting"...as if airing out your grievances gives you license to speak ill of others. Islam tells us, "Let whosoever believes in Allah and in the Last Day either speak good or be silent." When I asked my mother after my surgery what's considered complaining, she said even sighing can be counted as a complaint (it certainly doesn't fall into the "speaking good" category).

It will take some effort, but I am committed to curbing my complaints.

Subhan'Allah, Islam teaches us to channel our complaints to the One who actually has the power to effect change. Our religion is beautiful- if you complain to the right One, you actually get ajer for it. And when you do face Allah with your handful of complaints, you realize how ridiculous the things you run your mouth about all day truly are (ya Allah, my browser moves so slow). I hope this strike will free me of the trivialities that entangle my mind, and make me a more grateful servant of Allah.

Feel free to join me on my strike, and let me know how you fare. Or feel free to lay your gossip-free complaints on me- but don't expect me to reciprocate.

Imam Siraj

I was so touched by Imam Siraj Wahhaj's recent message to the American Muslim community, I am posting it here.

Challenges and Opportunities
As Salamu Alaikum, Dear Brothers and Sisters!

It is well known now that I have been suffering from hypertension. Al Hamdulillah, I have been working with it for a while now, and insha'Allah it's pretty much under control. As a result of being thoroughly checked by the competent doctors in Atlanta , I have been recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. Al Hamdulillah, inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun. (All Praise is for Allah. Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.)

My diagnosis is not as bad as it sounds on the surface. Many men have been cured from prostate cancer. My doctors are very optimistic about my cure, and so am I. Insha'Allah the treatment should last about two months. But you and I know that the cure is in the Hands of Allah. If Allah heals me, I will be very grateful. If Allah doesn't heal me, then I will be patient and happily accept my fate. This is the way of the Believers. I am looking forward to full recovery and getting back to work in the not-too-distant future, insha'Allah.

Many people will ask the question, what can we do? Don't waste your time feeling sorry for me. Make du'a. But don't just make du'a for me. There are a lot of Muslims, men and women, with cancer (and other diseases). Make du'a for them also. There are so many among the elderly, who need our help, make du'a for them. There are so many Muslims who have lost their jobs, lost their homes, make du'a for them! Beyond the prayers, go visit the sick, those in prison, and others in need.Get involved more with Islamic work. Support organizations like MANA, ISNA, ICNA, MAS, CAIR, SIFCA, the community in association with Imam Warith Deen Mohammed, the community of Imam Jamil Al Amin, etc. Support good brothers and sisters, like Mauri' Saalakhan of the Peace and Justice Foundation. Support Islamic education and schools. If you want to help Imam Siraj, then help support his Masjid, Masjid At-Taqwa, in Brooklyn, New York and all the other struggling Masjids throughout America.Every challenge we face in life presents us with many opportunities for growth.

With a heightened awareness and sensitivity about health-related issues, I will feel better when we, as an ummah, learn more about our health. We have to be very careful about the foods we consume! I urge all of us to cultivate healthy appetites such that we begin to love and crave foods that are good FOR us and eliminate foods that are not. I intend with Allah's help to share information with you in the coming weeks about our health.

On behalf of MANA, I encourage you to lend your support to our growing Organization. Every MANA project is structured to strengthen American Muslim communities. The SHARE Centers, Healthy Marriage Initiative, Community Reentry Program, and Healing and Reconciliation Project all need input and active service urgently. Please contact the MANA office to find out more and look for regular updates in our newsletters, insha'Allah. In closing, I am humbled and very thankful for all the prayers, and well wishes of the Muslims, and am very appreciative for all the help extended to me and my family in the past. Alhamdulillah! I am also overwhelmed with gratitude that a number of you want to lend financial support, and have asked how you can do that. Online donations can be made here, or feel free to correspond with me directly at Siraj Wahhaj, P.O. Box 312264, Atlanta, GA 31131. Thank you kindly. May Allah guide and protect us all.

Your brother in faith,Imam Siraj Wahhaj