A Decision

Alhamdulilah, with some guidance from praying istikhara, and some insight from a good friend, I decided not to participate in Sloan Kettering's vaccination trial. I feel relieved that the decision has been made.

Last week, my mind was in a very different place. I felt equally torn between saying yes and no. I had solicited advice from just about every doctor I know, but didn't receive a resounding yes or no from anyone. If anything, I got a lukewarm, "Maybe you could try it."

I felt like everyone was just throwing their opinion into a hat. And I wasn't equipped to make the final selection.


But Allah (SWT) put a very good friend who happens to be a medical professional in my path. She offered brief, but solid insight. She told me that the trial is very experimental and may not be safe. The hospital had set a Friday deadline for me to tell them my decision. My friend's advice arrived just in time, and Allah (SWT) implanted in my heart a firm sense that I should decline participation in the trial.

Alhamdililah, my friend was able to explain her conclusion to me in greater detail after I gave the hospital my answer. She told me that the experiment at this stage was actually a safety trial meant to test whether the vaccination is even safe for human use. After being tested on mice, I would have been among the first batch of humans to undergo this treatment. The trial's goal was to measure the toxicity of the vaccination on the human body.

My friend also pointed out that couched in the medical mumbo jumbo of the consent form, was a line that said researchers had absolutely no evidence to suggest the vaccination would help my condition in any way.

And the vaccination's possible side-effects, although rare, were not very appealing to say the least. They included the risk of becoming albino or blind- and the injections could even trigger cancer.

Although I have been very happy and comfortable with my oncologist thus far, I must say, I felt a little abandoned. I had relied on him to bring clarity to my situation. And while he fully disclosed all aspects of the trial, I wish he had help make more sense of exactly what it all entailed. Not all of the information about the trial carried equal weight...I would want my doctor to highlight/underline/circle three times the aspects that warrant deeper consideration.

My friend also reminded me that while Sloan Kettering is one of the leading cancer institutions in the country, it is also heavily focused on research. So my doctor's priorities could be split between looking out for me, and moving his research along.

I am so grateful Allahh (SWT) led little, poorly-informed me to the right decision. And that He put this wonderful friend in my path to guide me to what was best. Ultimately, I think the experience has redoubled my appreciation of the tools Islam equips us with: shura, istikhara, and tawakkul. Alhamdulilah.